rebranding

evacait40_orig.jpg

Almost two years ago, I moved to LA to pursue a career in writing. I had a foot in the door, flirted with the prospect of maybe, kinda, sort of having a measure of success in getting into the industry at the lowest level.

I came home.

For the past few months, it’s been challenging. I’m happy to be closer to family and friends, thrilled to be a new aunt, and proud to be working as a personal trainer and helping people on their health journeys. I’m also happy to have tried LA, lived it, experienced and explored because I do miss it, more than I anticipated.

More than anything, I’m a little lost. As I edge nearer to 30, I feel like I should have my life figured out more than I do. I get so caught up in thinking how my life should be going rather than focusing on where I am right now. I’ve been a little ball of anxious, negative energy and I’m ready to come out of it.

This is evidenced more in what I claim to be most passionate about: writing. In all the articles and books, random words of advice I’ve poured over to make me a better writer, the message is clear, in order to make it as a writer, you need to write. I haven’t.

So here we are again. When I first created Give Me My Crown Already, I was on the brink of graduating college, I had just lost 100 pounds, and I felt as confident and prepared as I ever had in my life.

Since, I’ve learned a lot about what I don’t want to do professionally and more about sacrifices and failures that were unexpected. I’ve gained a few pounds and sometimes hate myself for it because I think I should have this down by now. It makes me skeptical and negative and exhausted.

When I first was losing weight, I knew nothing. I just tried. Exercise was my best friend. Going from nothing to something had fantastic results and working out helped me better to manage my anxiety. I enjoyed food more than I ever did when I was heavily overweight and was making better choices and having fun concocting fun, healthy, and delicious dishes. Over the course of these past six years, I have maintained most of the weight loss, but I long to get back to my lowest. I slipped into some old, bad habits, not necessarily with eating, which I’m okay with, or exercising, which I do six days a week, but with my negativity.

No more.

As I rebrand this blog, here’s what I promise. I’m writing, in many different fashions because I miss it and agonizing over stringing the perfect words together is far more satisfying in the long run than researching what I should be doing with nothing to show for it. I am going to be honest about my progress and how I feel. I am going to try to not let negativity devour me, which means forgiving myself my humanity.

With my two passions, writing and healthy living so intersected, I have the opportunity to share my story and learn a lot more about myself and life. Thanks for your patience.

Join me?

Humble Bragging

Yesterday reminded me that I don’t have it all figured out- as though I needed reminding right now!?

Life is messy, beautiful, but chaotic. I am a creature who thrives on habit, can do wonderful things when pushed out of my comfort zone. I can also fall flat on my ass and feel like I’m drowning. Moving and adapts bing to new place and things is a difficult concept on its own, but life also loves to pop up with random obstacles. Not to complain, so much as reflect, because these problems I’m about to share are minuscule compared to all the issues in the world.

For instance, you can go grocery shopping and even though you make a detailed list, you can still end up in the store two more times that same day because you can never anticipate all of your needs. And at that same grocery store, you might even make a baby cry for smiling at him or her when trying to find the cucumbers.

If you are new to an area and don’t know your way around at all, you will have to rely on technology and sometimes, that technology will fail for no particular reason other than to complicate life.

Milk will boil over the pot. The Internet will not always run fast. Printers will not always print. People will steal your seat. Your computer will freeze on Do and Trump’s wide-open trap. You can get mad, scream, curse, and cry. Or you can call it as it is, and go home. Home will not be the home that you’re used to. It’s okay or it’s not. And that’s life.

Thankfully, I am okay and so ends my rant!

Good things happened yesterday too! For instance, I made some killer meals that I’ll feature in a moment. I got a lot of work and writing done, progress is being made. I had some great phone conversations with family and friends. I ran five miles…on a treadmill…and my legs didn’t collapse beneath me.

The day started with oatmeal. I sweetened this bowl with honey instead of maple syrup and it did the trick. The oats really fueled that run, along with chopped walnuts, raisins, a banana, and a cup of yogurt.

image

For lunch, I made a big batch of quinoa with black beans and corn. I’ll have this throughout the week, but this particular plate featured broccoli, orange pepper, feta, and a sauce I picked up at Trader Joe’s called Soyaki. I walked into the store intending to buy both sauces separately, so this made life easy and yummy.

image

I also enjoyed the sauce on my dinner. After trying to get to my cousin’s place to watch the debate (thanks again GPS, not), I whipped up these fish tacos instead. Cod over spinach and carrots on two corn tortillas. Delicious!

image

After a strong writhing session, I fell into bed, looking forward to the new day, but still appreciating the current one. Even if it did make me feel like a clumsy, blubbering mess.

Humility is a beautiful thing.

Introducing: Thoughtful Thursdays!

In the theme of introductions, I welcome you to what I am deeming Thoughtful Thursdays. I can’t promise that every day will be crowned with alluring alliterations. For the record, these probably won’t all be so serious.

After this long, challenging, but important year and a few wonderful vacations, I am struck with this feeling of having found myself again. At the time, throughout the year, I hadn’t even realized I lost myself. Sensing things so clearly now, I realize that my guard was up, getting me through every day that didn’t feel quite like fulfillment. It wasn’t as though I didn’t work hard or find success or enjoyment out of my every day. I was just putting myself and my heart on temporary leave.

This could have been dangerous, but sometimes it’s necessary to get you through something that is unsavory, but so vital to your growth. That’s how I’m approaching it anyhow.

In this moment, however brief (hopefully brief!) it may be, I can breathe and see again. I’m trusting myself and my body as my senses are reawakened. I have this opportunity to search for what makes me happy.

Around February this year, when classes were increasing their workload and I was struggling with the knowledge that teaching is not for me and yet here I was still juggling this program, I kept having recurring dreams. In them, I was pregnant and eagerly yearning for the child to be born. The constancy of the dreams scared me because I am in no way ready for children. Hello, I’m still balancing myself. However they kept appearing, so I did a little dream research. Take such a concept as you will, whether you prefer to think in the abstract or the concrete, but the interpretation struck me.

Apparently, whenever you dream of being pregnant, male or female, it suggests that a creative spark is surging within, wanting to come out, but has been repressed for whatever reason.

During my first semester of the Fellowship Program, I made it a point to write, journal, blog, whatever every day to keep my creativity flowing. As the spring semester approached, my classes were upped as well as the course work. I now had to travel back and forth between class, after spending a full day at work, three sometimes four days a week, fitting in as many workouts as possible. Writing was pushed aside for sleep when I should have made better time for it, but hindsight makes everything clearer.

After I read more about this dream interpretation, I began to reflect and recognize the truth behind it. My mind was swirling with story ideas, my fingers itching to take pen in hand and foster new worlds. When things began to slow, I wrote four stories in one month. I’m not saying they were great, but they were something.

They made me feel alive again.
On the plane home from California where I visited with and was inspired by my friend Brad, I outlined three chapters of the novel I’ve been considering for the past two years but never made any true progress.

I can’t get the ideas or that world out of my head, a matter in which I will never complain. Excitement is roaring, motivated by the freedom and lightness summer and rest brings.

Fittingly, my horoscope (Scorpio) today says: “Keep reminding yourself that your fulfillment is not only important but also possible. It will make it easier to accept that twists and turns are inevitable.”

What I learned most from this year is that in life, there are going to be trying times, challenging and painful, that you would not have chosen or wanted for yourself. That clean copy of your life you seek to write is really just a bunch of scratchy, messy rough draft copies. But those unpretty obstacles will be the place you learn the most about yourself.

Fulfillment is what you make of a situation, not necessarily what that situation is. Most importantly, make time for the things in life you are passionate about.

I have not been through a soul-crushing, physically bruising time. My Fellowship was a blessing and helped me grow in my education and my spirit. Don’t get me wrong, I understand this. I just didn’t happen to enjoy every minute of it. I probably complained more than I should. I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around all the time. But now I can very much enjoy saying, it is a part of my past and it will help push me forward towards the true fulfillment I seek.

The hunt is what makes it worthwhile.