Does anyone ever watch a person walking, living, or breathing, and wonder how that person appears so simple and fluid and then wonder where exactly you went wrong?
This occurs to me all the time.
I’m in this constant state of trying to make myself less complicated because life in general creates all these complications and weird little awkward moments in life that is out of our control.
For example, yesterday I’m in New York walking around while my friend Bobby worked and I enjoy my (hopefully) brief state of unemployment/finishing up this graduate program/vacation. I walked to and from his work to meet up for lunch, then wandered into a park and sat, wrote, and reflected for awhile just enjoying the sun. Then I decide to go to Barnes and Noble and browse, but I can’t just execute this plan. I have to spend my relaxing time checking my phone, trying to figure out how long I can stay in the park “relaxing” so that I can “enjoy” my time in the store before heading back to get ready for the concert.
When I do decide to get up and go to Barnes and Noble, the store is huge, which is wonderful and bewildering all at once. I don’t even know where to start and then I’m wondering why I can’t just browse like I wanted in the first place.
I make it back towards the apartment and I stop at Duane Reade because I’m hungry and thirsty, but I have to pee. I can’t decide what I want to snack on, but at the same time I have to hurry because of my pressing need, and there I just kind of stand in the middle of the store crossing my legs and bending sideways and everyways, looking like an idiot because I’m so indecisive.
Even my sleep-like state tortures me as I dream about something that is approaching and making me anxious and nervous, so I wake up shaking and dizzy from exhaustion. When I get myself up and make it to where I need to catch my bus home, I’m back at Duane Reade trying to decide if I want to get M&Ms for the bus ride, which of course I do, but then I can never quite implement the actual plan without some sort of mental obstacle.
Perhaps this is a tendency all young people, or people in general feel, but don’t quite show. Maybe it’s a result of my anxiety that I can mostly handle, but reveals itself in these little moments. Or maybe I just pay too damn close attention to parts of me that other people shrug off and ignore.
I don’t like to compare myself to people because I don’t think that’s a productive way to live. Sure, I admire certain people for aspects of themselves that are inspiring. Everyone does and I think that’s important. But it’s times like when I’m in the middle of a store, trying to control my bladder (which thankfully, I’ve long since mastered) bent over and in agony, pushed over by someone who walks down the right aisle to grab the snack they know they want, that I wonder if other people feel like this.
Then I go to a concert to see this esteemed theater actress perform and she has a brief, potentially embarrassing wardrobe malfunction, which you can tell somewhat throws her off, but she still runs with it and laughs about it. Maybe that’s because she’s surrounded by a crowd of supportive, adoring fans cheering when she breathes a certain way.
Maybe it’s because we’re all navigating this wacky world with our overwhelming minds together.
Or maybe- probably- I’m just overthinking it.
Let’s just all laugh together.