Weight loss is a sensitive issue because while it is clear and physical on the outside, the inside holds so many more unexplained, undivulged complications. People will know if you succeed or fail and unfortunately, they judge you for it. What they don’t know is what that unbearable feeling of food guilt does to you, too much, too little, or just right. They don’t know that you can’t stand yourself being within this body, too big, too small, or just right (for you). They don’t know, but they might share the same feelings. It’s just difficult to understand another’s when the feeling is so personal. I get that.

It doesn’t matter if you’re too heavy, too light, or normal sized. It doesn’t matter if you can eat a lot without gaining an ounce or if you can eat a little and gain ten pounds. It doesn’t matter what plagues you. It’s all in the semantics. If it bothers you, it matters.

I could go into a long spiel about how the media and our culture has tarnished the female and male body, but I won’t. If you want more researched, better thought out, and more well-said information, read Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth, recommended to me by my college writing professor. I won’t get into it in too much detail, but I will agree that it exists and it is dangerous.

Every so often, I enjoy picking up a fitness magazine here or there to get new workout ideas or healthy recipes. I appreciate when these magazines write things like, it’s about “fitness” not “skinny.” It’s true. What you look like, so long as you are healthy and happy, providing yourself with life’s necessities, such as good food, exercise, mindfulness, kindness, and forgiveness, then it doesn’t matter what you look like. This is something I have to remind myself every single day when I look in the mirror or look down and see the extra skin still hanging loosely off of what should be a well-toned, healthy body.

Wait, excuse me. I do have a well-toned, healthy body, which I work hard for every single day. I still battle food guilt and overindulgence from time to time, but I am only one girl and I have to coexist with chocolate. The fact that I have this extra skin might look like I am not as well-toned or healthy and unless you want to come and squeeze my muscles, then people I see on the street or even know regularly may not know. But that has to be okay because otherwise I’ll go crazy.

One of those fitness magazines refused to show a woman’s weight loss success story because she wanted to wear a bikini. They told her to put clothes on because they didn’t want to have a picture of a woman looking anything less than well-toned or healthy. This woman is plagued with the same irksome problem bothering me for the past two years, extra skin. It doesn’t matter that she worked her ass off, changed her habits, and made herself happy and healthy beyond anything that she probably could have ever imagined. She felt awesome, well-toned, and healthy because she is, and she was damn proud of that.

The stance of this fitness magazine seems to be saying that weight loss, and health and fitness in general, is not about how you feel or how healthy you are, but how you look.

I say, how dare you.

I May Or May Not Have Been Bitten By A Ghost

I have a weird looking mark on right below my naval and it hurts. My friend Erin told me it was ring worm and Katdog said it was a spider bite, but the only logical explanation is that the ghost in me and Stephanie’s room has bitten me. I am not too enthused about this for obvious reasons and now I’m afraid to go to sleep. It possesses Stephanie and bites me. I’m just glad it’s not possessing Stephanie in order to bite me because that would just be awkward.

We really need to get a night vision camera to film as we sleep because now I’m wondering if I too have ever been possessed but we don’t know it because Stephanie is a heavy sleeper. That would be really weird and unsettling.
Anyways, so long as it doesn’t use me as an incubus I’ll be fine. Only three weeks left in the dorm and I can escape its wrath. Although Christine says sometimes it follows you, but it hasn’t so far, so suck it!

The Red Sox really really really really really really really really really really really really suck.

You know what’s really annoying? You lose a lot of weight and you think your arms are going nowhere, but then you realize that the reason there looks like there has been no progress because the flab bearing down like wings is actually excess skin. It’s not fat. It’s skin. Just drooping down. I would actually have nice looking arms if the elasticity would tighten up. And I have been doing so much work on my arms, it’s just annoying. Thankfully I’m not a saggy baggy anywhere else and I will be able to work on this. However, commencement ball (TAKE NOTE CHRIS EVANS!!!!!) is coming up and it’s going to be a little disheartening when I buy my new dress. Just have to keep positive!

Did I mention the Red Sox suck? Because they do.

Something happened yesterday that made my life complete. It was the best moment that could ever happen to me…on Twitter…and that’s still a pretty big deal. I had tweeted Nomar Garciaparra, the love of my life and favorite Red Sox player of all time.

I said: @nomar5 is my favorite red sox player of all time. If you RT me I will cry with joy! 🙂

And then: He. Retweeted. It.

I had said it right before bed so when I logged on the next morning and saw what had went down I almost died. I was at work so my screams were more strangled than had I been in the room. On my birthday, Stephanie got Dule Hill from Psych to wish me a happy birthday and we ran around the room screaming for an hour afterwards. And then when one of us would mention it again, we would jump back up yelling and screaming. And this was NOMAR. I cried for three weeks when the Red Sox RIPPED HIM AWAY FROM ME. I’m still not really over it and anytime anyone mentions it I cry a little, but usually on the inside.

A few years ago when he was on the D-D-Dodgers (doesn’t sound right) he had this question and answer session and I asked a question and he answered. It was amazing. And now it’s happened again and it just makes me love him even more. Not to mention that when I was watching him on TV yesterday at the Fenway celebration, he looked even better than he did when he was playing. I mean, he really grew into his looks and it makes me sad that I can’t watch him play every day because damn that man is fine. It’s funny because after the ceremony, they didn’t play a game. Nope. Nothing like the Yankees hitting five home runs against them on their 100th Anniversary of their ballpark happened. Or like today how the Red Sox were winning 9-0 and are about to lose 15-9. Never happened.

Like WTF??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I miss my cat, Bandit. He probably does not miss me because the last time I was home he was taking over my bed and I had to sleep at the very edge because it would be just cruel to move an adorable, but slightly evil, cat. To be honest, I was afraid that he was going to claw me to death or eat me. There was a frightening moment when he walked over to me and I threw my covers over my head to protect my face but then I poked an eye out to see what he was doing and he just wanted to be petted and it was cute. And then he bit me, so I was kind of justified in my fear. He’s so cute though.

I mean, honestly:

But then there’s this:

I could say that the yellow glare is from the flash of the camera, but really we can’t be sure.

This is one of the demonic squirrels on campus eating peanut butter on an apple on a plate:

Impressive, but one time one of those assholes ran at me, hit my shoe in a taunting way, and ran away. It was on purpose. I’m sure of it.

I wish I went to Hogwarts. Or lived in a castle in Scotland.

And seriously, Chris Evans, commencement ball?