What Has Become Of Me?

What has happened to me in the past two days? Well, yesterday started off great with me going to the gym and being assaulted by an Easter Bunny wannabe who was chilling there for some reason. When I say assaulted I mean that he was there and I saw him and almost dropped the weight in my hand as I fell over in fright. I’m pretty sure he was cracked out on something because he was stumbling walking up the stairs and then fell into the wall. When I say cracked out on something I mean that the person inside probably couldn’t see and was being guided by another person. But I’m pretty sure he was threatening me.

I think now’s a good time to mention that I am deathly afraid of characters dressed up. I tolerate Disney because hello, it’s Disney and I love them, although Goofy stalks me. I’ve gone to Disney a lot in my lifetime, but one of the last time’s I went, my family was having breakfast with the characters which is nervewracking, but there’s good food so I deal with it. I had been crap talking Goofy all trip for reasons I can’t remember, so when Goofy shows up my mom says, “Oh, Goofy, Caitlin loves you.” Then points to me and he comes over and pats my head, almost causing me to choke on my scrambled eggs and tries to hug me, but I shift over in the seat and he thinks I’m so excited that I’m twigging out. Then my mom goes, “Oh Goofy, it’s Caitlin’s birthday!” He gets all excited, leads the entire restaurant in the ‘Happy Birthday’ song, while the little old lady waitress scurries off in some excitement. This is funny because it was in the middle of summer and my birthday is in November. My mom says she has no idea what made her say it, but everyone thought it was hysterical and Goofy could not stop hugging me. When the waitress came back she was all, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!” Then had everyone sing ‘Happy Birthday’ again, gave me a cake that we threw out because hello we just had a buffet, and then gave me a birthday pin. The birthday pin was nice because everyone stops to say “Happy Birthday” and I like attention, but my family had to pry Goofy off of me. When we finally got to the park, we walked into one of the stores and the attendant says, “Oh did you get your birthday call?” My mom says no so I’m ushered over to the phone and she calls something. Wouldn’t you think Mickey would have called? No, it was Goofy! So I hung up and ran out with my family’s taunting laughter behind me. The cool thing was that we stayed in the park for extra hours, so I did get a lot of positive attention.

Back to the Easter Bunny, I’ve had beef with him since childhood. My dad tells me a story of when I was 2 or 3 and he and my aunt and uncle took me and my sister to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. So I walk up all confident, see the creep, turn around screaming and run back down the hallway of the mall, much like the scene in the Wizard of Oz where the Cowardly Lion shoots the shit. I’ve never used that phrase before, but it sounds like it works, so I’m going to keep it. Then there was the time my mom and aunt drove us two hours to see the Berenstein Bears at a bookstore and I refused to get out of the car. Perhaps, this translates to me in front of celebrities now because I’m all cool walking up then I’m all AHHHH in person. I just came to that realization and it makes soooo much sense!

It also seems that Liza Minelli has returned to her stalking ways. You probably think it’s weird that I think Liza Minelli is stalking me, but I assure you she is. I wrote an essay on this shit! Basically, there was a time a few years ago where she would pop up everywhere I went. There was a picture of her in a restaurant I was eating in, above the very table where I sat. She appeared on a special on the MLB network, A BASEBALL NETWORK. She popped up on SNL on an episode that she wasn’t supposed to and just shows up on all of these websites and magazines, so I know she’s after me. Yesterday, I look at the cover of my Entertainment Weekly and I’m so excited because Adele is on the cover so I say to my mom, “ADELE!” Then when I show her, I see an ad for Kathy Griffin’s new show, which I am super stoked for, and I’m like “KATHY!” Then, I open up to the back to look at the bulls-eye thing and there’s Liza. And I had just gotten home from the gym where the bunny had attacked me. Too much, just too much. Anyways, the Liza thing goes all the way back to high school where my teacher just kept playing one of her performances and she had spider eye lashes and huge eyes and was all sporadic and it terrified me. I’m sure Liza Minelli is a very nice woman and I’m just paranoid, but then again didn’t she beat up one of her husbands?

But then I got to see Titanic and dye some Easter eggs with my favorite people in the world, so I guess that makes up for the assaults against me. I love young Leo! And Leo and Kate. Why aren’t they together!?

Also, today I bought these.

Pretty incredible, I know.
Me: “I love you shoes!”
Shoes: “I know.”

I was basically Han Solo’d by my shoes.

Just fyi, we’re ignoring the Red Sox. Maybe the chicken and beer was actually helping Josh Beckett? Not great.
My frustration:

I am watching The Little Mermaid right now. Yay!!

2 thoughts on “What Has Become Of Me?

  1. The good news: You’re not alone. I loathe mascots and all those people in character-suit people. They creep me out.
    The bad news: I’m a Yankees fan and can’t follow you anymore…

    Just kidding. I’ll continue to follow you because you’re funny. But go Yankees.

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