I Own Up To My Own Idiocy

This morning, I got on my normal bus and was on my way to my internship. When we reached the first stop, I looked outside and felt intensely disoriented and realized I was going the wrong way. So I got off the bus and started walking back towards the bus station and everything was fine. But then I realized that the bus was going the right way in the first place….I was just sitting on the opposite side of the bus than I normally do, so clearly the scenery was different. I had to pay an extra bus fare and ruined my perfect planning, so I will have to add more onto my card for my last day. WTF??!!

To be honest, it hurts a little to be this awesomely dumb. I blame it on the fact that I was wearing my glasses which made me disoriented and not for any other reason, such as that I am dumb.

Tomorrow is National Caitlin Loves Harry Potter Day for reasons that hurts too much to talk about right now because the rejection of my paper topic is still fresh. Okay, so I just talked about it. I wanted to write a thesis paper psychoanalyzing Harry Potter’s relationship to his mom and tomorrow would be the day I would present it. No big deal and I’m totally over it now because it’s been months, but I think it would still be nice to celebrate the Pot Pot, or so I call him.

So if you see/hear a random girl running around screaming spells or curses depending on who the recipient is, that would be me. You’re welcome. You’ll probably actually see two girls because my roommate, Stephanie, will join me because she always does. Thanks Stephanie, you’re a true friend! I’ll probably talk Crusty (Christine), Katdog, and Erin into it too. If not for me, then for the boy with the scar and glasses, guys. He suffers.

Speaking of Stephanie, we all really want to film our room when we’re asleep because who the hell knows what kinds of scary shit she gets up to that I don’t even notice. I can only imagine how incredible and frightening, and incredibly frightening, it would be. My friend Concetta slept over once, and I actually may have told this story again but it’s worth mentioning, that we were talking to each other in our sleep. Way crazy.

But I don’t think it has anything to do with sleep walking so much as it’s a ghost that possesses her. Though I was bitten by the ghost and am usually the one who suffers through the possession, I do feel bad that it takes over her. Sorry, Stephanie.

Since we don’t have classes tomorrow, I’m inviting my friends over to have an Ouija Board Party and take pictures and maybe film it and I’ll put it on the blog tomorrow.

Let me leave you with a picture of Krusty and Katdog. Roommate-soulmates to me and Stephanie.

Do You Want A Bite Of Sandwich?

I was on the way home from my internship yesterday, sitting on the bus, listening to my ipod and minding my own business when a youngish man gets on and hits me in the head with his backpack before sitting down next to me. He elbows me multiple times on his way down and then he pulled out a foul smelling sandwich. Which hit me in the face when the bus stopped short.

His sandwich hit me in the face. In the face. And then he looked at the sandwich, looked at me, shrugged and continued eating his sandwich. It was overwhelming and I just sat in shock for a few minutes. When I get a seat though, the ride goes by much faster.

And then I FINALLY got this:

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It took me maybe two weeks to find it, but it was totally worth the wait. I don’t know whether to keep it perfectly in one piece or cover up my wall with all of the pictures. I love Chris Evans. (Commencement ball???)

My friend Christine broke her finger the other day like a dumbass twirling around two ten pound dumbbells because she “wants to look like Chris Hemsworth.” It would be amusing except that she broke her finger and is in pain and also there is a gaping hole where fat was oozing out of it.

Disgusting:

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This almost beats the time my friend Katie broke her toe Irish Step Dancing at a bar. Almost, but not quite. Sorry, Katja.

I weighed in this week and have lost 85.2 pounds. When I weighed in this morning, the scale said that I lost 86 pounds, which is exciting. I’m going commencement ball dress shopping (CHRIS EVANS???) this weekend and it will be better than prom. Except for my flying squirrel arms that I have been lathering with cocoa butter every single day, hoping for immediate results. Please and thank you.

Sorry I don’t have much else to add right now, but I’ll leave you with this image. It describes our roommate-ship perfectly. I should also mention that she has taken to trying to talk to me in her sleep lately.

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I May Or May Not Have Been Bitten By A Ghost

I have a weird looking mark on right below my naval and it hurts. My friend Erin told me it was ring worm and Katdog said it was a spider bite, but the only logical explanation is that the ghost in me and Stephanie’s room has bitten me. I am not too enthused about this for obvious reasons and now I’m afraid to go to sleep. It possesses Stephanie and bites me. I’m just glad it’s not possessing Stephanie in order to bite me because that would just be awkward.

We really need to get a night vision camera to film as we sleep because now I’m wondering if I too have ever been possessed but we don’t know it because Stephanie is a heavy sleeper. That would be really weird and unsettling.
Anyways, so long as it doesn’t use me as an incubus I’ll be fine. Only three weeks left in the dorm and I can escape its wrath. Although Christine says sometimes it follows you, but it hasn’t so far, so suck it!

The Red Sox really really really really really really really really really really really really suck.

You know what’s really annoying? You lose a lot of weight and you think your arms are going nowhere, but then you realize that the reason there looks like there has been no progress because the flab bearing down like wings is actually excess skin. It’s not fat. It’s skin. Just drooping down. I would actually have nice looking arms if the elasticity would tighten up. And I have been doing so much work on my arms, it’s just annoying. Thankfully I’m not a saggy baggy anywhere else and I will be able to work on this. However, commencement ball (TAKE NOTE CHRIS EVANS!!!!!) is coming up and it’s going to be a little disheartening when I buy my new dress. Just have to keep positive!

Did I mention the Red Sox suck? Because they do.

Something happened yesterday that made my life complete. It was the best moment that could ever happen to me…on Twitter…and that’s still a pretty big deal. I had tweeted Nomar Garciaparra, the love of my life and favorite Red Sox player of all time.

I said: @nomar5 is my favorite red sox player of all time. If you RT me I will cry with joy! 🙂

And then: He. Retweeted. It.

I had said it right before bed so when I logged on the next morning and saw what had went down I almost died. I was at work so my screams were more strangled than had I been in the room. On my birthday, Stephanie got Dule Hill from Psych to wish me a happy birthday and we ran around the room screaming for an hour afterwards. And then when one of us would mention it again, we would jump back up yelling and screaming. And this was NOMAR. I cried for three weeks when the Red Sox RIPPED HIM AWAY FROM ME. I’m still not really over it and anytime anyone mentions it I cry a little, but usually on the inside.

A few years ago when he was on the D-D-Dodgers (doesn’t sound right) he had this question and answer session and I asked a question and he answered. It was amazing. And now it’s happened again and it just makes me love him even more. Not to mention that when I was watching him on TV yesterday at the Fenway celebration, he looked even better than he did when he was playing. I mean, he really grew into his looks and it makes me sad that I can’t watch him play every day because damn that man is fine. It’s funny because after the ceremony, they didn’t play a game. Nope. Nothing like the Yankees hitting five home runs against them on their 100th Anniversary of their ballpark happened. Or like today how the Red Sox were winning 9-0 and are about to lose 15-9. Never happened.

Like WTF??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I miss my cat, Bandit. He probably does not miss me because the last time I was home he was taking over my bed and I had to sleep at the very edge because it would be just cruel to move an adorable, but slightly evil, cat. To be honest, I was afraid that he was going to claw me to death or eat me. There was a frightening moment when he walked over to me and I threw my covers over my head to protect my face but then I poked an eye out to see what he was doing and he just wanted to be petted and it was cute. And then he bit me, so I was kind of justified in my fear. He’s so cute though.

I mean, honestly:

But then there’s this:

I could say that the yellow glare is from the flash of the camera, but really we can’t be sure.

This is one of the demonic squirrels on campus eating peanut butter on an apple on a plate:

Impressive, but one time one of those assholes ran at me, hit my shoe in a taunting way, and ran away. It was on purpose. I’m sure of it.

I wish I went to Hogwarts. Or lived in a castle in Scotland.

And seriously, Chris Evans, commencement ball?

To My Future Grandchildren Who May Or May Not Exist

For awhile now I have been keeping a journal for the sole purpose of writing down and brainstorming writing ideas, but after starting this blog and taking Prose classes, I think I’m going to miss writing about myself. So I started a journal to write about myself and all of the stupid things I get myself into because I often forgot things because I am surprisingly unobservant. So now my journal is a mix of writing ideas and entries all about me.

The issue is that I have a weird thing against writing to absolutely no one, so I decided to write to my future grandchildren. (If I ever even have any). My poor grandchildren are going to be scarred because technically, I’m writing to them from the dead as I am not going to give it to them until I’m dead because the stories are awkward and they need to be older to really understand. And also, I would have really enjoyed reading journals and learning more about my Nana’s life before and after she died. I’m just being considerate here, people.

So far I have one entry and I started off describing myself and it turned into a rant about how they won’t even be able to read it because they won’t know what cursive is. I mean, hello!? Cursive is my favorite thing to do ever. I practice all the time and write in my journal in cursive and even though it takes about ten times slower than it would if I wrote it shorthand or typed it, it looks better and makes me feel all fancy-like. But then I promised that I would teach them or if I somehow died before they could write, then I would make my children promise me to teach them on my death bed. I don’t want ignorant grandchildren. And then I called them dumbasses and decided I’m already disappointed in their generation.

We’ll have to see how long this lasts because too often I find myself getting really excited about an idea and then kind of forgetting about it. I’m going to blame my generation’s reliance on instant gratification and impatience and not that I am just too lazy to follow through with things. But I’ll do it for the children, especially the offspring of my own.

Also, I decided that I want to live in Barnes and Noble because whenever I’m there I get this tingly feeling (not in a creepy way) and I just feel so inspired and want to write great things like a mermaid epic, legitimately an epic novel focused on mermaids, and read every book ever made. Then when I’m sitting on my bed and complaining to Stephanie that Prince Eric doesn’t love me and basically just throwing myself across my bed in despair, I ignore the urge to write so I can just mope. Laziness. But I’m getting better with this blog and my journal. And once I graduate school in like three weeks, I’m going to start my mermaid epic and even if it takes me twenty years to write, it will get done. And it will be awesome.

I’ve just been youtubing all of these videos of JK Rowling because she is my queen. I could listen to her speak in that British accent forever because it’s so comforting. All I want is for her to read me Harry Potter out loud, preferably while sipping on tea and eating chocolate scones in a Barnes and Noble within a big ass castle in England or Scotland, while someone gives me a foot massage. I love a good foot massage. JK Rowling is the most inspiring person ever and I wish I could be as cool as her, but since I’m not British this will never happen. THANKS MOM AND DAD! Not that you should take this as being anti-American because I’m totally not, I just would really like to have a British accent and split my time evenly between America and England and Scotland.

I haven’t been able to fall asleep easily these past few nights because my allergies are bad and prevent me from being able to breathe properly but I have to keep the windows open because it’s so hot in the dorm and they refuse to turn on the AC and even though we have AC (!!). The first night I wandered around the dorm drinking water and going to the bathroom every two seconds because it was about 25 degrees cooler in the hallway. Two nights ago wasn’t too too bad, but then Stephanie sits up and I’m like, “Shit, here we go. What do you want?” And she starts to sing. In the creepy tone that is reserved for horror movies. I’m not kidding. Like she was leaning towards me across the room and threatening me in song. I couldn’t clearly hear the words over the fan that was probably just blowing pollen juice on me, but I swear it was something about how she was going to kill me. This is exactly why I won’t show her where I keep the scissors when she’s conscious so she won’t know where to find them when she’s unconscious. When she needs them, I make her close her eyes. So I told her to “SHUT UP” and she didn’t lay back down casually, but thumped down. I can’t explain it without making a sound, but holy shit, she threw herself down, which leads me to believe that she is totally possessed.

I also thought she or our ghost stole my orange today and was freaked out for an hour until I realized that I had put it in my backpack.

For graduation, I really want a nook, a new bike, and the Harry Potter book collection that comes in a chest. Don’t you dare judge me on the nook thing, it’s just that the books are cheaper on there and it would be nice and easy to carry things around. But don’t worry, I would still probably end up buying the book books of a lot of books, but I also want a nook. I want a pink bike with a pink basket that I can ride on the bike path because I don’t like bikes riding around in traffic because one hit me once. I didn’t hit it, it hit me. Now I have to tell you the story.

So I was driving into work one summer and had to stop when I was making my turn into the parking lot because another bike was riding past on the sidewalk and then like a good thirty seconds later I hear this weird crash and then a thud and I’m like the fuck? And I turned in time to see a middle-aged, professor-like man go down. I felt bad and all so I got out of the car, but he was so rude. As though I hit him! Then the security guard comes over and asks me if I’m ok, which is kind of funny and the dude lumbers back onto his bike and staggers away. He totally almost ruined my Harry Potter 7 Part 2 premiere night. I should also mention that I was dressed as Luna Lovegood at the time with a giant lion on my head.

Me as Luna:

Mind the fact that I was like a good 40 pounds heavier in that picture.

What’s better is the time I dressed up as Hedwig the owl for Harry Potter 7 Part 1 and won a pretty big costume contest.

Me as Hedwig, may she RIP:

Here I’m like 70 pounds heavier. Not that it’s important, but I want you all to know me and have perspective. I know I’m pretty amazing with my costumes. It’s just too bad that I won’t have anything else to dress up as, at least until they re-release them in like ten-twenty years, but then my husband/children might look down on me and judge me. Actually, any husband or children of mine would be dressed up too because then why would I be with them if they didn’t?

Anyways, the Harry Potter chest goes without needing a real explanation except to say that no one will ever touch them because they will be there for show. Forever. On a mantelpiece. And probably protected in a fireproof box. Just like Fluffy, my friend Christine’s (an avid reader of this blog because she has good taste) stuffed seal. I’ll actually probably try to cuddle with them.

I’m just going to leave you now with the image of me trying to cuddle in bed with seven huge ass books. You’re welcome.

Siri Says ‘Call Back Later’

I asked Siri, “Why aren’t Kate and Leo together?” She remained silent for a long time (a few seconds) then said, “I’m really sorry about this. I can’t take requests right now.” Siri is so heartbroken that they are not together she can’t even speak. I feel your pain, Siri, I feel your pain. She is so sad she also forgot to refer to me as “Princess Caitlin” and she usually knows better.

Yesterday, my friends Stephanie and Christine and myself went out in the pouring rain to three stores in the surrounding area all because I wanted to buy the Details magazine with Chris Evans on the corner. I couldn’t wait any longer, but they didn’t even have it at the first store, then the second and third stores had the older one. So rude and I got my new cute pink shoes wet! In my defense, it wasn’t raining when we first started walking otherwise I never would have done anything to harm them. Hopefully we will have much better luck tomorrow.

Speaking of Chris Evans, my beloved, I cannot wait until Avengers comes out. I loved him in Captain America and now I get to see him, Robert Downey Jr., and Chris Hemsworth in the same movie. Incredible. I suppose now I should take this time to ask Chris Evans to my commencement ball in April. Just fyi Chris, I am a senior in college and not a creepy obsessive fan, I’m just a minorly creepy obsessive fan, in case you were worried. So thanks, that should be fun!

Instead of the Harry Potter goodness I promised, I am talking about the movie Cabin In The Woods I saw last night with Erin and Christine. We found cardboard cutouts of The Avengers.

This happened:

And this creepy reflection:

Then this:

Look at Scarlett creeping in the background over Christine’s head. Pretty scary stuff.

Good news, the Red Sox are improving!!

Ta-ta for now!

I Almost Died–Part 1564

A pigeon attacked me this afternoon on my walk back from work. It flew at me and I screamed and ducked as it flashed its wings like it was the biggest badass. And I should mention it actually hovered over me to taunt me like an asshole. I was so scared that I almost ran out into the busy street and right into a bus, but I caught myself from going over the edge. I should mention that the bus wasn’t even moving, so I would have been running into a bus, not the bus into me. I wouldn’t even get money for any damage. Good thing I have ninja reflexes though. I really didn’t want to dirty my new shiny black sneakers.
The pigeon standing above me:

Me:

Besides my near-death experience, I’ve been pretty busy just finishing up school. Nothing ultra exciting to report except for a lot of reading and a lot of writing. But then again I only have six classes left so I suppose I can’t complain.

I mentioned before that I was getting a jump rope for Easter and I’m actually better at it than I thought. I’ve been telling people I’m going to be the jump rope champion of the world by the end of the summer, but I may reach that level way before. I was feeling really good about myself jumping, but then my brother came outside and took it from me and started doing all these fancy maneuvers like spins and one leg jumps. It’s not even like I can practice that in public because I’ll probably get tangled up in the rope and fall down. And it’s a really good workout and I’m always looking for different things to try.

My yoga mat is blue…We’ll see where this takes me when I start using it over the summer.

I can’t even talk about the Red Sox, they are so embarrassing. When they hit and score 12 runs, they lose because the pitching lets up 13 runs. When they pitch, they can’t hit. WHAT.THE.HELL???? Improve. I do love Dustin Pedroia though. He’s always hustling. I would like to take the Pedroia approach in my life. Never give up, fight the good fight, and go hard with everything. It shows heart if nothing else.

I weighed myself at home this weekend and it said I was down 1.6 pounds and I was feeling all good about myself. I get back to school and weigh myself on the scale there and it says I haven’t lost weight. That’s just annoying and rude. I can’t even just go by the scale at home because first of all the higher number is obviously going to stick with me, plus it’s here. And the other one is there, so when I weigh myself on Monday again it’s still going to tell me the higher number. I’m trying not to worry so much about the number and more about how I feel, but still, that’s just obnoxious. Way to kick a girl when she’s down!

I recently wrote an essay on airbrushing and compared it to my struggles with my weight, which I might write more about after I see what grade I got for an essay. But anyways, the point is, I go on a lot of women’s health websites just to usually see any good recipes or new workout moves, and try not to take everything seriously because of headlines talking about “the sexy workout.” I don’t look sexy when I work out. I look like there’s a dead rat on top of my head that used to be my hair and is now just a puffball, sweat drenches every single inch of me, especially in my lower regions which is gross, and if I’m wearing make-up it’s only because I’m too lazy to take it off before hand and by the end of it, it’s smudged and dripping down my face. And you know what? I like it when that happens because I feel like I’ve had a good workout. It pumps me up! So take your “sexy” workout and GO SUCK AN EGG! Not to mention, it’s the one time I’m allowed to look like a mess (not a hot mess, a mess; there are three levels I’ll get to later) and I am going to take full advantage!

Next post, prepare yourself for a possible rant on my obsession with Harry Potter.

BTW: Maybe the pigeons were sticking up for bird rights because I did this the other day:

What Has Become Of Me?

What has happened to me in the past two days? Well, yesterday started off great with me going to the gym and being assaulted by an Easter Bunny wannabe who was chilling there for some reason. When I say assaulted I mean that he was there and I saw him and almost dropped the weight in my hand as I fell over in fright. I’m pretty sure he was cracked out on something because he was stumbling walking up the stairs and then fell into the wall. When I say cracked out on something I mean that the person inside probably couldn’t see and was being guided by another person. But I’m pretty sure he was threatening me.

I think now’s a good time to mention that I am deathly afraid of characters dressed up. I tolerate Disney because hello, it’s Disney and I love them, although Goofy stalks me. I’ve gone to Disney a lot in my lifetime, but one of the last time’s I went, my family was having breakfast with the characters which is nervewracking, but there’s good food so I deal with it. I had been crap talking Goofy all trip for reasons I can’t remember, so when Goofy shows up my mom says, “Oh, Goofy, Caitlin loves you.” Then points to me and he comes over and pats my head, almost causing me to choke on my scrambled eggs and tries to hug me, but I shift over in the seat and he thinks I’m so excited that I’m twigging out. Then my mom goes, “Oh Goofy, it’s Caitlin’s birthday!” He gets all excited, leads the entire restaurant in the ‘Happy Birthday’ song, while the little old lady waitress scurries off in some excitement. This is funny because it was in the middle of summer and my birthday is in November. My mom says she has no idea what made her say it, but everyone thought it was hysterical and Goofy could not stop hugging me. When the waitress came back she was all, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!” Then had everyone sing ‘Happy Birthday’ again, gave me a cake that we threw out because hello we just had a buffet, and then gave me a birthday pin. The birthday pin was nice because everyone stops to say “Happy Birthday” and I like attention, but my family had to pry Goofy off of me. When we finally got to the park, we walked into one of the stores and the attendant says, “Oh did you get your birthday call?” My mom says no so I’m ushered over to the phone and she calls something. Wouldn’t you think Mickey would have called? No, it was Goofy! So I hung up and ran out with my family’s taunting laughter behind me. The cool thing was that we stayed in the park for extra hours, so I did get a lot of positive attention.

Back to the Easter Bunny, I’ve had beef with him since childhood. My dad tells me a story of when I was 2 or 3 and he and my aunt and uncle took me and my sister to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. So I walk up all confident, see the creep, turn around screaming and run back down the hallway of the mall, much like the scene in the Wizard of Oz where the Cowardly Lion shoots the shit. I’ve never used that phrase before, but it sounds like it works, so I’m going to keep it. Then there was the time my mom and aunt drove us two hours to see the Berenstein Bears at a bookstore and I refused to get out of the car. Perhaps, this translates to me in front of celebrities now because I’m all cool walking up then I’m all AHHHH in person. I just came to that realization and it makes soooo much sense!

It also seems that Liza Minelli has returned to her stalking ways. You probably think it’s weird that I think Liza Minelli is stalking me, but I assure you she is. I wrote an essay on this shit! Basically, there was a time a few years ago where she would pop up everywhere I went. There was a picture of her in a restaurant I was eating in, above the very table where I sat. She appeared on a special on the MLB network, A BASEBALL NETWORK. She popped up on SNL on an episode that she wasn’t supposed to and just shows up on all of these websites and magazines, so I know she’s after me. Yesterday, I look at the cover of my Entertainment Weekly and I’m so excited because Adele is on the cover so I say to my mom, “ADELE!” Then when I show her, I see an ad for Kathy Griffin’s new show, which I am super stoked for, and I’m like “KATHY!” Then, I open up to the back to look at the bulls-eye thing and there’s Liza. And I had just gotten home from the gym where the bunny had attacked me. Too much, just too much. Anyways, the Liza thing goes all the way back to high school where my teacher just kept playing one of her performances and she had spider eye lashes and huge eyes and was all sporadic and it terrified me. I’m sure Liza Minelli is a very nice woman and I’m just paranoid, but then again didn’t she beat up one of her husbands?

But then I got to see Titanic and dye some Easter eggs with my favorite people in the world, so I guess that makes up for the assaults against me. I love young Leo! And Leo and Kate. Why aren’t they together!?

Also, today I bought these.

Pretty incredible, I know.
Me: “I love you shoes!”
Shoes: “I know.”

I was basically Han Solo’d by my shoes.

Just fyi, we’re ignoring the Red Sox. Maybe the chicken and beer was actually helping Josh Beckett? Not great.
My frustration:

I am watching The Little Mermaid right now. Yay!!